I want myself back again

I just want to find myself, be myself again.

I want to be the same old me, gila gila me.

Gila gila I am. Sometimes I say ..Tahan....he's just 31 months old or Tahan... he's just about 6 weeks old baby only. And sometimes I just snap and that's it.

The 31 months kiddo get whacking for being difficult. When he scream and cry, the mother screamed and cry even louder than him. That made him so shocked and screamed even louder. The neighbour I guess is immune to the screaming and crying. The boy, sometimes get nightmare and started kicking and crying at night. The mother then cry at night thinking how horrible she had been treated her son.

The 6 weeks old kiddo no longer sleep that much. He's always awake at the wrong timing. The time when the mother is really busy. Now he can be awake for many hours straight down. And when he's awake, he need someone to be by his side, talking to him and cuddle him. The mother's shoulder is really tired. Her brain is really tired. Her eyes is even more tired. And sometimes she just stare blankly at the wall, got no idea what to think. The kiddo only prefers left breast and scream when the milk is too strong. Sometimes because of that, he rejected the breast and cry cry cry. Even when you give him bottle, he'll just cry. And then the mother cry with him, asking him what he wants. Just today, he took 1 and half hour to finish 3oz milk.

Husband came home, sometime he see the wife with happy face. Sometimes she is so stoned and he'll ask what happened. Then he gotto go into the room and ask his No.1 what happened and why mami whacked him.  Being unwell himself, he gotto work, then come home with angry wife, sad kid and another crying baby. He even offered himself to take care of the night shift and went to work like a zombie.

I started to work, thinking that my boss will deliver his promises to keep my job function less. That's why I agreed to continue to freelance for him. But I got thrown with so many projects, some he said that he'll get another person to deal with. The person never finished her job and at the end I gotto clean it up for her. I rejected a few projects (which will be my future project :( ) and tried to work. Like what I feared last time when I first wanted to resign, he called me out of a sudden and threw me an URGENT project and need to be submitted the same day. At the same time he expect me to finish the other projects. At the end I gotto sit in front of the pc whole day - that's not supposed to happen. So now gotto learn to say NO, LATER and GIVE ME SOME TIME to my boss.

So many things going on. So little time. So little hand. No maid (coming in 2 months time)

I need miracle to happen.

Miracle to make No.1 less irritating, cranky and fussing(request to change channel like every 2 seconds, keep taking out cds after few minutes played, keep pressing DVD player ON, OFF, ON, OFF or OPEN, CLOSE, OPEN, CLOSE, keep opening fridge and digging for food, taking out pots and pans from the kitchen, throwing his fav train on the floor when we say NO).

Miracle to make No.2 Sleep better, Feed better and faster, and give his mother some time for herself.

Miracle to make me stay calm, sane and happy again. Miracle to make me , me again.